Is It Too Late?

52: Valentine

If you look closely, crumbs of conversation hearts lie under low shelves in the seasonal aisle. I’ll bet your roses already hit that final wondrous and bright bloom before wilting into a crushingly dark crimson. The flush over that promise of starry eyed dinners has long faded and you’ve settled comfortably into couch cuddled meals. Me? I was supposed to share a tiny brownie heart cake that I finished by myself over three days. The performance is over, but you’re still here, the same as ever.

Where is the love now?

ID: Wilted red rose

A tattoo on my stomach reads: Love is all around us. Look.

It’s a quote from “Revelation Sunshine” off the Street Faërie album by Cree Summer. Yes, she’s the voice actor who did Penny in Inspector Gadget, Susie Carmichael from Rugrats, and many others.

In 1999, she released her only album and I’ve hung onto it till today. It happens to all of us. There is an album released that speaks to your core and this was one of them. I spun the more brooding tracks, unabashedly bawling to them but this line didn’t jump out at me until many years later. It was a time in my therapeutic journey when I was grasping out of darkness and needed a reminder that the sun’s rays still touched me, that love still touched me.

Finding hope with these words means seeing love where I am not expecting it or accepting love of all forms when I’m ready to receive it. I’ve also learned that you must love yourself first. I am a people-pleaser and levy sacrifice no one asks for, then become resentful when they don’t return my bloodshed. If I love myself first, value myself first, make my home a sanctuary for my own sake, that shines. I shine. And I don’t have to search for something in another person that fills me up. I do that myself. What I receive thereafter is extra.

The greatest love you have is for yourself. You make peace with parts of your face, your hair, your toes, even the gnarly one. I am working to keep love burning for myself first before anyone else.

You are your own forever Valentine. Shower yourself with love.

Thank you for letting my expose this part of myself. Onward over the next hill with love deep under our skins.

See ya.