The Core is Fear
Subscriber Issue 19
Inspiration for this post brought to you by…
I don’t wanna right this now
I wanna tell you how I feel right now
“Umi Says”, Yasiin Bey (formerly Mos Def)
Transcript:
Hey, friends. Today, I didn’t want to write something down. I just wanted a bit more of a stream of consciousness. I just wanted to say what I felt, so... today, am pushing back against my perfectionism, and recording this not at the dinner table, with audio equipment, but in a forest. It’s gonna be imperfect.
I wanted to talk about submitting work for publication. I had a huge gap in my fiction and creative writing during my life, so I’m still learning a lot about how to be a good writer, and that also means, since I don’t have such a long history of writing, I don’t have a lot in my perspective. I haven’t been gathering up stories since I was a kid, or, you know, developing in my early 20s, so it feels like everything is really precious, and submitting works for publication to me has always felt like giving something away. So imagine giving from a bear cupboard, you know, that’s what it feels like for me.
But recently, I had a poem that I was really proud of that I wrote last year, and I thought it was good enough to submit. So I kind of sat with this decision. because... it’s a poem that does pretty well performed. Uh, and I wanted to share it with you guys first. But ultimately, with some encouragement from a writing friend, I decided to submit it, which felt like a big step. And my friend reminded me that the work was still mine. And I think that’s what I needed to hear. It’s not lost, and if they reject it, even better. I can still perform it for all of you. Another part was, I wanted it to be heard, and submitting it didn’t feel like it was being heard. contrast that to the void of the internet, um... Seems like they’re the same, but then again, that’s what The FLARE is about. It’s about reaching someone, anyone at all, and connecting. So, I was doing that, essentially. But it feels more real here than it does in submitting to magazines.
I realize that the core of it is fear. And once I was able to dispense with that fear, got a cover letter written, my poem formatted, and sent it actually by mail to the magazine. And that was done beginning of April. So I felt pretty accomplished. Uh, for those of you who struggle to complete what feels like these tall tasks. I really feel you. I completed something big, and it motivated, it motivated me to submit more.
So imagine this, right? I’m scared of submitting, and now I’m doing it twice in one month. Wow. But what I also thought about is that this is not the first time I’ve submitted to a magazine. I did it before. And I think sometimes your fear can blind you to the ways in which you were brave before. The first short story I ever wrote, No Way Home, which is on The FLARE, and has voice over with it, was submitted, I want to say 2021, and was ultimately rejected, and I think that rejection kind of made me a little bit more critical of the story, and hesitant to try it again. Just because it, you know, it waited so long, and then to just be disappointed, it didn’t feel good. But once I kind of realized, yes, I can do this. Fear does not have to be a limiting factor.
I ended up writing another poem. Again, something I was really proud of, that was meant for performance, and I submitted it to another magazine. So I think, ultimately, that when we are composing work, when we are building our collections, not everything has to stay with us. We don’t have to clutch everything so tightly. You know, eventually, even with our babies, we have to let them go, so these things that we make out of our emotion out of our pain. Um, they are pieces that can speak to someone. And, uh, being reminded of that, I think, was very helpful in me, considering whether or not to submit my work, and, uh... I think it’s been a good decision, and I look forward to letting you know whether or not my poems have been accepted or not accepted. Either way, I think I’m fine with it. But I think that’s it for now. This is the view from here. And, um... It’s quiet now. Peaceful in this part of... the forest that I’m in... and the distance I can hear folks laughing, playing. So. That’s it, guys.
And now, for you my faves, a little something more.