Troubled Water

31: Making It Over

Each year for the past five, I have been stripping down shame, hesitation, and guilt. It’s a slow slither out of constructing skin. I learn more and more about people, who they are, and who I am. It is a gradual process of knowing and speaking it out.

I had a rough year and grazed the surface in my newsletter Zombieland in August. This summer was the greatest test of mental, physical, and emotional strength I’d ever undergone. I cannot articulate the level of exhaustion and decision fatigue. I had to lean on people as I haven’t allowed myself before and did this strange thing where I humanize myself and remember that I too am a person. I am worthy of rest by simply being and not having to earn it. Yet, I came out the other side not feeling triumphant, but that I didn’t want to go to that place again. I started thinking about how much people say we shouldn’t give up and I cursed it. My resilience was just martyrdom.

I want to give up. Surrender. I don’t want to hold tight to ideals that don’t serve me or believe in conjured images of people. The truth is not so much painful, but grounding. When we know, when we’ve grieved the loss of a fantasy or dream we can no longer invest in, we can choose a new path. That’s where I want to head after all this wreckage. I want to choose differently.

I don’t want to think of myself as either optimist or pessimist. I just want to move in a direction that inspires me. I’ll be starting some professional courses soon and want to keep the momentum going with my shelf of read books. I am also in search of new music, the chill and moody type to bop to at sunsets or lonely gray days to match the black and white winter sweaters filling my drawers.

My year was bookended by disappointment and calamity, it was punctuated with struggle, but it feels like the ending to the movie where after all the hero has gone through, they know they cannot be moved by anything weaker than their will. They are stronger through circumstance. I know I am.

I love an introspective and vulnerable post, but let’s end this with a standard wrap up for 2022. I realize you folks don’t know what’s cooking behind the scenes! So here’s some faves from this year.

Favorite Book:

We Were Witches by Ariel Gore

• It was both instructional and imaginative in a style I’d never encountered: a memoir fantasy.

Favorite Song:

“Gymnopedie No. 1” by Erik Satie

• The comforting melody became a swift replay when I needed to relax.

Most memorable moment:

• Matching my Tiny Closet dress with the walls of a Portuguese hotel and vineyard.

Favorite Substack Post:

“Challenge Accepted”

• This was a collaboration between illustrator

  winta
  and I where I wrote some flash fiction with her art as a prompt. Very proud of the little tale it produced.

The Substack community and this newsletter have been a beacons in dark places and it’s be great to share with you this year. I’ve done enough chatting…

What questions do you have for me? Ask me anything!
Any thoughts on what I wrote this year?
What would you like to see in 2023?

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Have a happy holiday, safe new year, and The FLARE will see you back on January 16th!

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As a reader of The Sample, I get lively newsletters delivered daily. I recently got to check out Where on Planet Earth by Carla Villoria and her thoughts on where home is.

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