Love Deluxe
Newsletter 16: Bitter and sweet
Hi readers!
This biweekly newsletter skipped a week back in September and as a result, we’ve landed here, right on Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t resist sharing some of my work on the subject of love. And not just the deep, longing type of love, but the love that binds us, and the love we lose.
This is a deluxe edition with three poems and a portion of short fiction highlighting some of the ways we love.
What need have I Of expiring flesh When you are in tune With my immortal self
I can tell You want me Slick with your sweat Exhausted and heaving
You can’t wait Until I’m listless And searching Until my eyes Are rusted and crumbling Frozen open Until I’m doubled over Too weak to fight Passive and yielding To everywhere you touch
I can tell You want me Depressed and folded Tucked A flapping paper crane In your cupped hand Stiff and stable Never leaving Only bending To your delight
You want my suffering And my gratitude You want my hunger But not my freedom
Please let me go
To be without you is like Tearing at unbroken stretches of night Feverishly in search of solace With no hope of dawn
“This the place?” Tina gestured toward the amber backlit sign of a quaint looking eatery along a suburban downtown street. Maple Leaf Cafe.
Tanner nodded and skipped ahead, holding open the door. The pair were cloaked in warm air as they stepped into the small waiting area. A waiter soon came swiftly from the kitchen, raising his chin and motioning with two fingers. A smile cracked at the side of his mouth, along with what Tina thought was a wink.
The two slid into a nearby wooden booth and two glasses of chilled tap water soon appeared on their table, with two straws still capped with paper wrapping.
“Nice place. Never been here,” Tina said.
“Yeah, it’s a nice spot.”
“Pretty far from the city, though.”
“It’s more quiet. People can really get to know each other. Really talk.” Tanner’s green eyes were piercing and intense.
Tina shook off a quiver. She broke their gaze and put her purse onto the bench beside her.
“Is this where you’ve taken other dates?” Tina took the straw wrapping and tore a piece off, rubbing it between her thumb and forefinger until it made a ball. She set it aside.
Tanner pulled their lips to the side, brushing off lint from the lapel of their blazer, seeming almost to forget the question.
“You already know the deal. It’s all fun.”
Just then a waitress veered close to the table on the way to take another order. She peaked over, moving her hair behind her ear and just barely craning her neck.
“You know, when you take a girl all the way out here, she’s gonna think you like her,” Tina finally said.
Tanner cracked a smile to reveal a bejeweled canine tooth. “That’s not my fault.”
“It is, though. You shouldn’t do that. One day a woman is going to smear cow’s blood all over your white couch and put a raw chicken in your dishwasher.”
They guffawed. “Wow! That’s… specific. You planning something?”
“Can’t say I never thought about it…” Her voice trailed as she motioned for the waiter.
Tina ordered braised beef tacos and a ginger ale.
“I’ll have what she’s having.”
Tina paused and glared at them. She tore off another piece of paper.
“We never talked about what the deal was. Five months being strung along…”
“You assumed.”
“Was I wrong to?” She scoffed.
“Tina, we’re adults. You have a choice.”
Tina bit her bottom lip, looking over toward the bartender, who happened to lock eyes. His smile was unconvincingly innocent. She stabbed at the ice in her water with the straw.
“So I go all in while you hold back? Then you say I’m too sensitive? That’s not really fair.” She could feel her throat tighten and sting. Her thumb was red and numb from rubbing on the paper.
“I didn’t come here for this. Say what you want to say.” A glaze was developing over their eyes.
“This is the last time we’ll see each other,” Tina choked out.
“Okay,” Tanner said flatly.
Matching meals were set down during their staring showdown. It was too much to linger with the ambiguity where there were moments of engaging bliss and intervals of chilly indifference. Tina wasn’t sure if she was eager to move on or reclaim some control. Either way, it was clear rolling around in her fresh linens on a Saturday morning and meeting their parents weren’t enough to call Tanner a partner.
Tina coiled back in her seat, bending her head, and blowing out a long breath. Tanner reached a hand under the table gliding slowly up her thigh, squeezing it midway up.
“Stay.”
Hope you enjoyed this edition of The FLARE. Next week is a bonus newsletter where I’ll make a special announcement. Stay tuned!
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There’s more to love on previous editions of this newsletter. Here one of my favorite pieces of short fiction: Date Night
You've also got in Tanner a well-written nonbinary jerkass, whose assery has nothing to do with being enby. So that's neat! Cos most pieces featuring nonbinary characters make a big deal out of the nonbinary-ness and maybe even angelify it. That, or it's queer-coded as evil and degenerate or immature.
That's a tough date 😰😄